Goodbyes

Having six months to prepare for goodbyes should make it easier. Maybe it has- I managed the whole of today without a single tear crossing my lower lid. That's an achievement that was aided by the sheer hectic nature of the day, that went something like this: get up, do some jobs, greet the plasterer, drive to work, say hello and goodbye to dozens and wonderful volunteers and members, go to lunch and say goodbye to wonderful work colleagues, work like crazy, pick up the returned traveller from the airport, work like crazy some more, more goodbyes, drive home, drive back to town, anniversary dinner, home at last. As I drove home, the strangest sensation overcame me- it wasn't euphoria, or relief, and no tears came with it. It was a kind of happy sadness, or a sad happiness, but I was not able to discern which of the two. Too many feelings all at once, too many happy, sad, stressful, distressing, exciting, events, all in one day. I just feel raw and jagged. It will pass.

I quite like moving, but not the goodbyes. Cairns is particularly tough to leave, because we were so happy here. Wonderful people, dear friends, fulfilling job, great climate, beautiful surrounds- for more than ten years, we have carved a life here that is just right, and tearing away from that is setting the scene for this to be the hardest move I have ever made.

There's also the work. In Cairns, I never seem to have trouble finding work. More often than not, teaching work finds me, and my skills seem to be appreciated and sought after. My plans for Malaysia have been vacillating on a weekly, daily, or hourly basis between the "lady of leisure" model, the "gainfully employed in teaching English" plan, and the "study to expand my mind" ideal. With Tony's return today from Malaysia, however, my plans have changed again. The lack of opportunities for students with special needs in other countries really saddens me, and I feel drawn. It burns a fire inside. The reader may know the feeling- I think it's probably known as passion.

The inventor has come back from his "reccie", a reconnaissance mission to Malaysia to sort things out, and we are now have more of an idea of how it will all work. The Joint Venture companies are still being set up, but we're ready and I think will leave as planned. All systems "go", the countdown has started.

Appreciating where I live

I wonder if there are many stars in the Malaysian sky? One of the things I love about Cairns is the night sky, and tonight as I drove home the lights from distant galaxies sparkled from horizon to horizon. Could I be happy in a city where the stars hide behind the haze of light pollution and smog? And that's not the only thing I worry about- moving to another country is a scary, massive unknown. At the moment I vacillate between excitement and waves of pure panic.

On Sunday The Inventor is flying over there to "check things out". He will sort out a few of the bigger decisions, like which town to base ourselves in, where and how his work will happen, and what car to get. He'll be back on Friday, my last day of work in Australia and our 27th wedding anniversary. Then we have less than two weeks to finish all our packing and arrangements before we leave for Brisbane, and then Malaysia.

The arrangements are complicated, as they always are when we move house. Because our finances have been limited for some years, we haven't done a lot of maintenance, and now we need to get some of it done before we move. We have had a constant stream of plumbers, electricians, plasterers, renderers, carpenters and painters through the house, and while it gradually takes form, I try to pack bits and pieces from under the film of dust that coats everything. Yes, chaos as usual. I will survive this!